Episode 233 — CONNECTION Then Compliance

Date: December 5, 2024

Episode Overview

Tune in this week for another short but powerful message. The secret this week is…nConnection THEN Compliance

Full Transcript

Len Arcuri | 00:00

Hello and welcome to Autism Parenting Secrets. It's Len. Today's episode is all about a vital shift for parents to consider. Then compliance. Why does this matter? Because if you, the parent, are focusing on compliance first, like I did, It leads only to frustration for both you and your child. But when you prioritize connection, everything changes. When you build a bond, with your child and truly connect It creates the foundation for them to learn and grow in ways that you want.

So this is a short episode. Let's break this down. Connection then compliance.

So what is connection? Connection is the Parent-child bond. That emotional link that forms the bedrock for your child's emotional, social, and cognitive development.

So honestly, I had no clue about this at first. I didn't understand it at all. I was focused more on being the dad I thought I should be The one that I learned as I was growing up, the dad who teaches, who disciplines, who enforces the rules in my mind, My role was to instill compliance. It wasn't something I was really conscious of, but that was what was driving how I was acting. And so. Connection that parent-child bond was the last thing I was thinking of. And instead, yes, I was focused on compliance and compliance, at least the way I was looking at it was teaching my son Rye to conform to my rules, to the standards, to the expectations of how he was supposed to act, how he was supposed to behave. I wanted my son to behave like other kids his age. To play the way they played. To play with toys or to communicate the way I thought he should be communicating. And I really wanted him to care about what I wanted. The problem with autism, at least with Rye, from my vantage point was that he was totally in his own world and could care less about my world or acting like other kids and engaging with other people.

So I really did have this idea that I could somehow parent the autism out of him. And it's something I totally got wrong. I thought if I could get him to comply with my expectations, my wants, then everything would kind of fall in place. Once he complied with what I was wanting. What I didn't see was that I was putting my agenda first. I was definitely not creating a safe, inviting space. For him to connect with me, to want to connect with me.

So what I got wrong was that when I look back on it, I was absolutely being really selfish. You know, my focus was on who I wanted him to be. Not who he was. I kept saying I love my son, but I hate the autism. But, you know, when I look back on it, that was an idiotic thing to say because I would say to myself and others, I love my son, That wasn't. Expressing or practicing unconditional love, I was rejecting a part of him. And guess what? Autism in terms of the behaviors and the other things that he, how he was exhibiting, how he was presenting back then, you know, his quote unquote autism, those behaviors were him. That's how he was. I really keep going back to that moment when I was kind of bullshitting myself saying that I loved him unconditionally. I really didn't. I was in love with the version of him I wanted him to be. And I used to think that early on he was rejecting me, but the truth was I just wasn't giving him a reason to want to connect with me. I was critical, I was judging everything he was doing is not okay. I just wasn't inviting. And from his standpoint, I wasn't safe. And I definitely wasn't fun to be around.

So that's what I know I got wrong. As long as I stayed in compliance mode. I was just pushing him further away. Whenever I got annoyed by his behaviors, it was a clear sign I was off track.

So the big shift I made was I shifted the connection. I chose to fully accept my son as he was, not the version I thought he should be. And from that place of acceptance, I just focused more and more on connection. And when I prioritized connecting with my son, I became someone worth connecting with. I was safe and biting and fun, or at least more so than I was. And my son, I absolutely felt more seen. He felt more accepted. And valued. And over time, He became more open to my guidance and learning all those things I was so desperately trying to teach him.

So. Of course, compliance matters in life. We all need to learn how to operate and to be successful and to learn how the world works. But if you prioritize... Compliance over connection with your child on the spectrum, you're definitely going to struggle. But connection? That's what creates the bond that makes everything else possible. Because without it, like compliance is just an empty demand. It means nothing to your child. Ciao. Maybe one way of thinking about it is like, I think that connection is the soil where growth happens. And if you nurture that soil, the soil of connection, There's plenty of time for your child to learn and to grow and to acquire those skills that you're hoping that they will have. And that's all going to be how they ultimately Just begin to thrive more and to succeed in life.

So the bottom line on this very short focused episode is connection, then compliance. But it's not about lowering your expectations or your wants or your hopes. Dream big for your child. But first... Focus on building a foundation of connection. And it's a two-way street connection from you to your child, from your child to you. But you can't force your child. To develop that connection. But you do have 100% control over how connected you are with them. And when you prioritize connection, you create that bond that sets the stage for everything else. That's when your child becomes open to learning, growing, and thriving.

So. A useful thing to do, which is something I definitely did, ask yourself every day. How can you foster more and more connection today? Not how can you get more of what you want or how can you get your child to comply or to do x y and z Ask yourself, how can you foster more connection? Be the person that your child wants to be with. Create safety. Be inviting and be fun. When you lead with connection. Alliance will follow over time. You have plenty of time to teach your child all the things you want to teach them. And ultimately, the goal is for your child to become exactly who they're meant to be. Not who you think they should be So. Thanks for listening to this short episode. If this resonates with you, Just take action. Take action today. Prioritize connection in some way. It can be a very small step. But if you prioritize connection, Watch the transformation unfold.