Episode 223 — DADS Can Be The CATALYST For Change
Guest: Harry Psaros • Date: September 26, 2024
Episode Overview
This week, we explore the powerful role Dads can play in supporting a child on the spectrum. Our guest, Harry Psaros, shares his insights on this topic and his book, From Struggle to Strength: A Father’s Journey with Autism and the Power of Hope and Positivity.
About Harry Psaros
A devoted family man, Harry Psaros has been happily married to his wife Michelle for 24 years and is a proud father of two sons, Costa “Gus” and Maximos “Max.” Originally from the steel town of Weirton, WV, Psaros has called McDonald, PA, home for the past two decades. With a Bachelor of Science in Industrial Engineering from the University of Pittsburgh, as well as minors in physics and philosophy, Psaros has a strong educational foundation. Further expanding his expertise, he obtained a certification as a health coach from the Institute of Integrated Nutrition. Professionally, Psaros serves as an Executive Neuroscience Account Specialist for AbbVie. Known affectionately by fans as the “Pitt Guru,” he is a top social media influencer for University of Pittsburgh athletics and the senior writer for Pittsburgh Sports Now. Harry is on the Board of Directors for the Autism Caring Center, President of North Fayette Township’s Parks and Recreation Board, Vice President of All Saints Greek Orthodox Church in Weirton, WV, and one of the founders of North Fayette P.A.L.S. (an organization for special needs children). Harry is an avid reader, enjoys strength training, running, and martial arts, and lives to serve others. He has a saying, “If you are breathing air, you should be helping others.
You’ll Discover
What Many Dads Struggle With (5:32)
The Key To Helping Your Child (6:03)
The Power Of Partnership (12:32)
One Modality That Helped Harry’s Son (17:07)
A Strong Call To Action (22:21)
A Powerful Approach A Dad Can Take (27:35)
The 2% Rule For Working With Your Child (30:16)
An Important Mindset Shift To Make (41:53)
Referenced in This Episode
Full Transcript
Harry Psaros | 00:00
I want you to lead the way, not even just work with your wife. My wife will tell you I drove her crazy. I still look up every modality known to man because I'm unrelenting in trying to help him. And just in case anyone's listening to this, I'm not looking for normal. I love my son. I love him the way he is. I'm not worried about that. I just want to help him as much as I can.
Cass Arcuri | 00:23
Want to truly be the best parent you can be and help your child thrive after their autism diagnosis? This podcast is for all in parents like you who know more is possible for your child.
Len Arcuri | 00:34
- With each episode, we reveal a secret that empowers you to be the parent your child needs now, saving you time, energy, and money, and helping you focus on what truly matters most, your child.
Cass Arcuri | 00:45
- I'm to Autism Parenting Secrets.
Len Arcuri | 00:45
Cass. - And I'm Len. - Welcome.
Hello and welcome to Autism Parenting Secrets. It's Len, and this week we're focusing on the powerful role that dads can play in the journey to support a child with autism. More often than not, mom is the one who's taking center stage and dads might be uncertain about their role.
So my guest today is Harry Pissarro. He's got much to say on this topic, so much so that he wrote a book, From Struggle to Strength, A Father's Journey with Autism and the Power of Hope and Positivity.
So listen to this discussion and most importantly, share it with someone in your world who could benefit. The secret this week is... Dads can be the catalyst for change. Welcome, Harry.
Harry Psaros | 01:43
Thank you. Thank you for having me.
Len Arcuri | 01:45
Absolutely. So I don't know what you were like early on, but I know as I went to conferences and started to get involved, I was the rarity. I was the exception to entire rooms filled with moms with very little dads who were particularly at biomedical and those types of conferences. And I know things have shifted now where that's not, as much of an exception, but so much so that I know you wrote the book because I think a lot of dads do have a lot of confusion early on. And I think your book did an excellent job of you sharing your story to show others what's possible and how the role doesn't have to be as a passenger. Exactly.
Harry Psaros | 02:33
You know, the origins for this book started in 2014. I was speaking, I live in here in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, and the Autism Notebook was a very popular publication. It was out in this area. And it was my first time speaking kind of from a father's perspective, just relaying my thoughts and feelings. And I was supposed to speak actually for about 10 to 15 minutes, but the gentleman in front of me ended up getting cold feet and they asked me if I could fill about 25 minutes in and I said, "Not a problem." So as I was speaking, I noticed a multitude of mothers that were starting to line up. And at first I thought, wow, you know, Harry, did you say something offensive?
You know, I was a little concerned. Then I looked and I noticed the emotion in their eyes. When I finished my talk, they physically grabbed me. And said, we need your help. And what I realized, and I'm not exaggerating, there were 10 to 12 mothers and the fathers simply weren't on board. And I, you know, I'm type A, I have no issue helping. I end up diving in and I end up having a dinner with one. I had multiple cups of coffee. I did get hung up. I had two hang up on me. But I was able to really talk them through And at that point, I was interested. I said that I went home to my wife. I said, this is an issue. I'm not going to lie.
And then segue back to here, two years ago, I was the first father to speak at the Autism Caring Center here in Pittsburgh, their Mother's Day conference. They had roughly about 400 moms in the audience. And when I finished...
You know, Len, I received the same response. I had a lot coming up to me and go, Man, after listening to you, our husbands aren't where you're at. I'm not getting the support that I need.
So I said, you know, maybe it's time to sit down and write my book. And there's a reason. If you look at my book, it's only about 150 pages or less If I wrote War and Peace or Tolkien's The Hobbit and handed it to a belligerent father, then my true concern was they would grab and just throw it away. This is a very easy one to two day read. It's a very palpable read that I thought would really break through the psyche of the father. And I think as dads, and you and I are on board, but We have to remember there's stages once you hear about the diagnosis and there's denial, there's blame, then there's a bit of grief. And I've had so many conversations since with fathers. I've kind of made it my mission in this area. If there's someone that's in need, I'll go talk to them. And what I often find is one is the denial. And I think It's the male psyche.
You know, men want to fix things. That's it. It's in our DNA. But this is different than your child falling on their bike and having a bloody knee and you put a bandage on it. This is, you know, a weighty diagnosis in a sense.
So many are bogged down by the diagnosis. They can't fix it, so they don't know what to do.
Some are outright in denial. I know many I found often blame the physician. They feel they're kind of in cahoots with their wife and there's a lot of anger there.
So, you know, and lastly, you know, men, you know, see this as an affront to them. They associate their child and can't fathom they're, quote, unquote, broke. And what I've tried to do in each and every case when I talk to them is explain to them your child's not broke. Your child is. Is a gift that has been given to you from God. There may be an issue there But, you know, the bottom line is someone saw enough within you. God saw enough within you to go into work with that child and to help them. But it all starts, whether it's rapid or a slow process, getting to that acceptance. Because acceptance of the diagnosis is more or less a journey or a gateway or an opening to helping them improve themselves. Step by step the rest of their life.
So that's the reason I wrote this, you know, and if I will tell you, I've since sat down with a multitude of fathers that are they feel very macho and I, you know, and part of why. I put the boxing gloves is, you know, I boxed, I'm a martial artist. And, you know, I tend to think of myself as a tough guy, but I think a truly comprehensive male Can tap into his emotions and his machismo, you know, and I try to remind them that your ego and machismo is just getting in the way from truly loving your child and putting them on the right path.
Len Arcuri | 07:30
Yeah, you've covered so many concepts in the last couple of minutes. You hit so many that each of them could be a really useful area to focus on. But let's go back to acceptance, right, where I think you kind of bottom-lined it there. And I couldn't agree more, right, that, you know, Getting to a place of accepting your child as they are You have to get there eventually. And if you never do, that can only produce Friction, stress, strife, all the things that you know, both moms and dads don't want.
So acceptance is the key. And we can really hone in on that. But when you first started off, you used the word belligerent, right?
So dads, you know, by the way, this isn't Harry and I saying, you know, hey, we figured it out. And now all dads need to be like us.
You know, I honor and I know Harry does too, where everyone is because you're Everyone is where they are for their unique individuals, unique experiences. But I think if we could generalize, most males, when presented with this challenge... They're coming at it from a standpoint of, as Harry said, I got to fix things. And now I have something that's broken my child and I'm going to fix them. I can't accept them as broken. I have to fix them. And so it's that, mindset going in that, again, it might be kind of how we're programmed, but it's absolutely not going to be helpful. And that's kind of like the big aha is that for both parents, but particularly a father, When the diagnosis comes, just take a step back. Right. And that's where a lot of what Harry just shared in terms of just really coming to acceptance of your child as they are right now is the absolute first move to make.
Harry Psaros | 09:22
You know, and if I could add, I want especially if there's a father listening to this with a newly diagnosed child, I was in your shoes when you were in their shoes. And it's I want to make sure that, again, it's in my book. I'm not perfect.
So, I am an extreme type A. I'm a sports social media influencer here in the area. I speak all the time. I was actually a moderator for a sports symposium yesterday.
So, I joke around in my book and I say I'm the type of guy that could have fun at an insurance seminar. Dope.
You know, here's me and people say, quote unquote, when I go and I charge up a room because I'm just I'm an energetic guy. And when my wife was first bringing up the A word, autism, I thought, whoa, time out. We've never had another child, so I had no perspective. Life to me is about mindset. In perspective, in fact, you're sitting in front of one of my favorite books, Carol Dweck's Mindset.
You know, and I just thought to myself, what if my child's an introvert? Why label the child? I was angry at my wife. I was angry. At the conversations that we're having had with the physicians. Then We had a few events occur and they're in the book. And what occurred was we had one, we had two children's birthday parties and we attended the one and they handed out like a coloring utensils. Where all the other children were coloring And my son was spinning.
So I just wouldn't stop staring at it. Then my wife went to a preschool birthday party. And while all of the other children were focused around the cake and singing. My son was stimming. And couldn't stop staring at a fan that was in the corner. And that's when the preschool teacher grabbed her and said, honey, I love you and your husband, but I think he may be on the spectrum.
So watching my wife come home broke. Just her spirit, you could see it broke. And I realized I was contributing to that.
And then hearing these examples over and over again, we were lucky. We were able to get rather quickly back in the day into the Cleveland Clinic because we had a family member that actually worked in their autism unit. And when he was diagnosed, I talk about that ride home.
So it's two hours roughly from Cleveland to Pittsburgh. And the remorse that I felt for the pressure that I was putting on my wife and I said, it stops now. And my boxing DNA kicked in. And I said, we're in the corner, we're backed up, and it's time to punch back. I said, I'm going to knuckle up. And we're going to punch back and I'm going to do everything I can not just to help my son. That's a lifelong venture. But I owe my wife an apology and I'm on board. We are now in unison. I know I'm talking a lot, but it's funny. I think it's a great analogy. My wife and I are fairly athletic. We like to kayak. And we go to Bethany Beach, Delaware is our second home. We go there, we do a lot of kayaking, but we're very good when we're in lone single kayaks. We tried to do one of these tandem kayaks a few years back. And it was comical. The obscenities that were flying out were left and right. And it wasn't until the very end where we were both rowing in unison, but when we did. It was amazing to feel that kayak propel forward. And that's the perfect analogy when you're in a marriage. And you have an autistic child. You both need to be rowing that boat in unison. And when you do, and regardless of whether they're mild to severe, There's some improvements that could be made. You could really work together to help that child.
So that's the focus of my book. And I will tell anyone, this isn't a how-to book. I'm a motivational guy. This is about positivity, hope, grit, and resilience. I wanted to reset their mindsets. With that newly diagnosed child. And that's the sole reason I wrote this. I wanted to help as many people as I could, in particular.
Len Arcuri | 13:18
Fathers. Nope, makes sense. And I think- As you're speaking, I'm thinking about the intention, going back again to the belligerent dad. In that moment, if somebody is feeling that way? What is their intention? What are they wanting in that moment? And again, there's a lot of emotions. There's a lot of stress that happens. But what I've found is that too often I was looking at things not from the standpoint of what's going to be really useful for my child. But for me personally, I wanted to win.
Like in other words, if my wife and I disagreed, I wanted my way. You know, I wanted to get my way. I want, and like, Because both mom and dads, I know in any relationship, they're both wanting the best for their child. They're both doing the best they can. But too often it becomes combative, whether it's with your spouse or whether with the doctor. We all have this idea of what would be useful for our child. And that's where if you're stuck like early on trying to win instead of trying to get curious. And to partner, to have the intent to partner and to get aligned, because I think a lot of people, Harry, they understand the concept of people in a boat rowing together, that makes sense. But again, if your intention is not partnership, it's just to kind of have it your way. With the best of intent, you'll never think about getting in that same kayak with your wife. Again, it's all well-intentioned, but it all produces instant friction. I.
Harry Psaros | 14:51
Agree. But what I've often recommended, because I actually have run into this, and to give a little bit of my background for people that might not know, I'm one of the board of directors for the Autism Caring Center, and I'm one of the founders of North Fayette Pals here in the Pittsburgh area by the airport, which is an organization for all special needs children in We have a lot of children on the spectrum there. And I've seen this. I've seen where there's a tug of war. And what I often tell them is go to the specialist that you're working with. Go to the therapist. Have a discussion with them. Let them be the tiebreaker. You both mean well.
You know you really do but you have to have a sense of tiebreaker And ultimately, you know, I the most two of the most powerful words I try to help my son out conversations, obviously, socially, he could be a little bit limited. And I tell him, tell me. Are the two most powerful words. It opens up everything, right?
So I always tell them, go speak with a therapist, speak with your physician. Tell me what you think would be the best interest of our sons.
So even now... My son is now 20. He is a soon-to-be junior at Kent State. But he's a work in progress. I am still looking into new modalities. In fact, there's a chance I'll be flying him down. I met a brilliant physician down in Florida. I might be flying him down before he goes to school.
So I have never stopped. And that's another message in the book. Is resilience, but I tap into the Finnish concept of Sisu, which is an unrelenting desire. And I'm always looking for something new, but I will always bounce it off my wife and go, what do you think? Am I going too far here?
You know? You know, is this, do you think this is worthwhile?
So when I spoke to this physician, We both agreed that this is something we want to pursue. And I will tell you, there was a time and I talk about it in my book, We've had great, and I don't talk about a lot of modalities. I wasn't, because again, this isn't a how-to book, but the one modality that really worked for our son was brain balance, the work from Dr. Robert Milello. And the rewiring of the brain, neuroplasticity. Your brain isn't immutable. It can be rewired. If it wasn't for brain balance, we went through three semesters, our son wouldn't be attending school. Now, once we were done with that, I calculated in my book that my wife, and we tried to help her. I work, but we tried to help her. It's my parents. She drove a collective over 8,000 miles in three semesters going back and forth to Pittsburgh, taking him. We decided at that point, It was time to take a break. Let him be a team. In his junior and senior year, he really did, for lack of a better term, thrive. He had a group of friends. He had a 3.8 GPA. And it was an interesting time in our life because it was the first time we said, let's stop looking. And I think that's important, too. You have to really judge. Think of it as a marathon.
You know, I've run multiple marathons. You can see the medals right here.
So you have to know when to speed up and when to slow down. But when you're having those disagreements. You have to have sort of an outside source, you know, and someone in neurodevelopment. I think that's important too, not just a random physician, but I think they could be the tiebreaker, but just Remember the words, tell me, is this in the best interest of my son and see if that helps a little bit.
Len Arcuri | 18:14
Yeah, no, I think, you know, having the right people on your team, right? The right professionals to provide the right guidance. That's incredibly important. But I think many times, you know, there may be a medical, practitioner who's providing advice, right, to both mom and dad who are there. And mom may be ready to run with it. And dad's likely skeptical in many cases, like just take something like gluten free as an example to do a dietary intervention. I can't tell you the number of times I've talked with coached mom and dad. And again, it, The dad... Just doesn't understand it. " So that's why awareness is so key. And I think And most guys, at least for me early on, I was like, listen, I'm going to trust the doctor, whatever the doctor recommends. I'm not going to try to research and try to second guess the doctor.
So I think there may be many people who are in my camp, which is just go, let's go see a practitioner and have them tell me what to do, as opposed to me getting actively involved in every decision. So a lot of times there's like, animosity, I think, between the spouses because mom's very curious, dad doesn't see that need. And again, unless he's actively involved asking the right questions to improve his understanding, it's easy for dads to slip into not doing anything, right? And just thinking it's all a waste of time and money. And again, I think it does come down to how parents see their role. And if dads see their role as the disciplinarian and as the provider and all that, he'll just look at all these very costly potential interventions and say, I'm going to do the best for my family and be resistant to all this and not be as open or as curious.
So I think that's the other thing is can a dad step into more openness and curiosity earlier on? Because if he doesn't do that, it's easy just again to create resistance that only causes distress.
Harry Psaros | 20:25
Well, first, I'll say two things. One, I completely agree with you. And I'm going to go back to that popular song from the 80s, free your mind and the rest will follow. You really have to have.
So, again, I'm a martial artist. We talk about the Zen mind, the beginner's mind. You're a student every day you wake up.
So you don't know, I don't know everything. You don't know everything, Len. Neither does the father right now that's listening going, well, maybe I do. No, you don't. Be open to different modalities, open to what your wife suggests. Have those discussions. The world is at your fingertips now with the computer. I suggest you Google. But I'm going to add one more thing. My major push in this book I am Greek. I'm a Greek American. We have a concept called philotimo. Filó Timo is good for the sake of doing good with asking nothing in return. Knowing that there's like a ripple effect essentially on the world. It's called the Greek secret. My book is my act if he locked him all because I want to give back to the community and really help. Families in general, plus fathers. Right now, one in 36 children are being diagnosed.
So you and I just discussed, I think it's important to have that team in place. But in every community, there's a Harry, there's a Len. There is a dad that's battle-tested. That has gone through that beginning stage that could reach out and help another family.
So when we started PALS here in the area, we wanted a safe place. Where there's battle-tested parents And that could come together if in the children could play together some activities, if there was a meltdown or rigidity, everyone understood that everybody's in the same shoes. But what they're able to do, especially for newly diagnosed parents, was come to us. And the two words I just mentioned, tell me. Where should I go for help? What kind of modalities have worked?
And then they can research him. So my point being, And my cry out to all the fathers or mothers and fathers that are out there, go and help others.
You know, you could probably throw a Frisbee in your community and there's a newly diagnosed family that needs you. Or there's an organization you could start.
So, you know, my plea to all of you is create your team. That's important. But know that there's others out there that can help you. And like I said, my goal here in the Pittsburgh area is part of the Autism Caring Center. We've helped now over a thousand families. We're opening a second location here in Pittsburgh and we're going strong because we've been through the war, for lack of a better term, in the beginning. And we offer perspectives. And, you know, if it's that father that doesn't understand gluten free, I'll talk to you about glutamorphin and what it does to the brain. It fits into an opioid receptor site and we can have that discussion and I'll explain to you why it is relevant to your child.
So, you know, my big ask for anyone listening to this. You know, my saying, and my publisher loves this, by the way, but my saying, and I say this all the time in speeches, if I am breathing air, I'm helping others. It's kind of a family mantra that we have.
So my, you know what, I encourage all of the battle-tested mothers and fathers listening to this is help somebody today or help somebody tomorrow or find an organization in your area because you're a big resource as well on top of the team they have in place.
Len Arcuri | 23:46
Right. But if you're a parent, if you're a dad newly diagnosed, the last thing you're probably thinking about is helping anybody else at that point, right? Because you're looking at it saying, listen, I need help. My child needs help. And so I totally agree with you, Harry, at some point, community and actually being the light is key. And I think you and I are in our own ways with our wives trying to do that. But I think for somebody earlier on.
You know, the, help someone, if you really want to help someone, which I think all dads do, they want to be helpful, they want to be useful, they want to fix things. It starts with your child. How do you help your child?
Well, you help your child by not creating a roadblock and stress within the family, which is why seeing the opportunity for partnership with your spouse, seeing the opportunity to be open and curious as opposed to dogmatic. I think parenting is. And I know my dad didn't believe in diet changes and these ridiculous interventions.
So again, there's a programming that we all have when we're blessed to become parents. And I think once you get a diagnosis like autism is an incredible opportunity for you to rethink that programming and to look And again, just step back to a more of a place of openness. And it doesn't take much to realize that You and your spouse getting on the same page and rowing in that boat is so much of a gift for your child.
So if you're not going to do it for yourself, you know, can you shift your thinking and embrace partnership for the child's.
Harry Psaros | 25:24
Benefit? Exactly.
You know, I, The book has been a blessing in that I have interacted now and spoke with so many newly diagnosed parents, in particular fathers, and had these discussions with And I will tell you, though, since 2014, another. Mantra that I hear a lot from resistance fathers.
Well, what if we give it time? You know, what if we give it time and it might just fade away? And I, You know, it's important.
You know, at that point, I'm explaining to him, no, right now's the time. You just got the diagnosis. The earlier you intervene, the better, hopefully, the child's going to get, you know. The other thing you mentioned I think is important, and it's a very relevant point.
So, again, I mentioned I was Greek. And if anybody out there listening to me that's Greek knows about Papo and Yaya, grandfather and grandma. And my parents were incredible. They were all in. But things like dietary changes, you know, they come home and my son would have, you know, baklava and something else. And I'd be like, listen. Let's have a further discussion about this. Beyond... Acceptance in the spouses working together, you know, just educating your core team of support team, which is typically family. And I refer to family, friends that are family, those people that are there to really support you. Fully educating them. And I know once we returned home and I was on board, I ran, I probably have upwards here. 30 to 40 books on autism minimally it right here in my study and I found some of the best and I purchased them for all of my family I wanted them to understand what we were going through and the better they were educated the better they were able to help us so there wasn't a question. On a holiday. When I said, hey, he can't have that, they understood. Or if we brought some of our own food at the time, you know, they understood that.
So that's a key component as well. But to your point, it all starts with acceptance, putting the child on the right path. And again, I hate to use that term, but it is. If you're not doing it, you're drifting into the abyss and that's the last thing you want.
Len Arcuri | 27:28
Right. Yeah. And as you're talking, I'm thinking, well, how do we buck it?
You know, the types of approaches a dad could have, right? Diagnosis has been received in my mind, and I'd love for you to provide some perspective on what I'm going to throw out.
You know, a dad can be one of four approaches in my mind, with the fourth one being what we're talking about. But the first three, a dad can be immediately just checked out, right? Just like not involved, not, you know, in their own world and not accepting what's happening and just having a lot of strong emotions. A dad can perhaps not be checked out, but more just taking a backseat, letting mom do whatever she's doing and not being actively involved and just letting the mom lead. Which is another approach. A third one could be resistance where they're undercutting their spouse at every turn because they don't agree with everything.
So like there's those three approaches and a lot of probably ones in between. But the main one, what we're talking about is actual partnership. It's actually playing a role, maybe not the exact role your wife's playing or your spouse is playing, but playing an active role and understanding Getting on the same page and partnering and having those conversations that you mentioned, Tell me why you want to do X, Y, and Z, being very curious with practitioners.
So it's that fourth, which is that's how you can really be a catalyst for change in your own way. Maybe with your own superpowers, you're focusing in certain areas, your spouse is focusing in others.
So that's the one we're talking about. For the other three, how do you help parents? What do you say to parents who are in one of those first three categories, right? Checked out, resistant, or... Or undermining.
Harry Psaros | 29:21
So I've had these conversations and, Bye. There are very few parents who are going to find a good, no, I don't want to help my child.
You know, so the ultimately the first thing they ask is, you know. Well, obviously we have this discussion about how they deeply love their child. And I, you know, I explained to them, That. No one wants to, everyone wants the perfect baby, the perfect child. But life sometimes isn't easy and that doesn't happen. What I try to offer, what I try to really offer them is explain to them that the, you know, ultimately what they want, if the goal is perfection, not in what I say that a healthy, normal child is.
You know, I try to explain to him that especially if they're mild to moderate to some extent, The sooner you're on board, And the sooner you're working with your wife, You could work towards on a daily basis. And I refer to this as my 2% rule in my book. Helping that child to get 2% better every day. In other words, you're really technically on the same page. Page. Your wife may be a little bit ahead of you if you're not accepting it, but you love your child. And it's wonderful. Everybody wants to look at their kid and see perfection, but life isn't perfect. It's kind of having to dig deep into that conversation and pull out. And I've had this and I've really been able to turn a lot of kids around. Now, the other thing, you know, I mentioned before is mindset and perspective. And I always, I love that perspective where I give them and go, when you come home, you can put your arms around your child, right? You can have the conversations, right? There's still a kid. They're a kid.
You know, they just need some assistance. And right now you're impeding that progress.
So your goal, and I know a lot of them, I hate to use that word, they quote unquote normalize. But I always try to offer the perspective that, you know, you do love your child. But you may be going about it the wrong way in a sense where your wife is ahead of you. It takes that 2% rule every day, that digging deep. To really help and to help that child improve.
So I had to dive into these discussions, but Just explain to him perspective is you have your child. You love your child. You can put your arms around your child. You could speak with them. They're still your kid. You could still take him to the beach. You could still take him to the park. They just need a little bit of help. And ultimately what you're doing is impeding You know, and I just ask them just be open to the idea and see what happens. I've really worked with a lot of them. I had to laugh the one time I was talking to a father. I would label him a belligerent father, and he goes, I can't believe she wants all this stuff and the dietary changes. And we had a discussion on bourbon. We both collect bourbon. And I said, imagine if you had five glasses of Buffalo Trace. And I said, how would you think? Neurologically.
Well, I'd be cloudy. And I said, well, imagine your child after eats a pizza or consumes a lot of white bread. Neurologically, that's how he feels. And I said, and then I went over a little bit of the science and I said, so do you want him feeling like that on a daily basis or do you want to assist him to be mentally as clear as possible?
So, I mean, it is a really deep dig of a conversation to find out what those points are. And I have to tell you, though, what I found a lot of times is more of the machismo in. They see it as an affront. To dance. They just can't fathom that they might produce a child that might have an issue, you know, and it's just getting past that.
So, There's no clear definitive answer But I think it's a deep dig and it has to come from someone that's lived it. I think that's very important.
That's why. I'm trying to encourage fathers that, like you and I, that have been through it. To go out and find those people and help them. Now I'm fortunate I have two organizations here in my area. And it's like a moth to a flame. I can have those. And I will tell you, even the fathers that I see that are pretty much on board with But they're overwhelmed. You can see it in their eyes.
You know, and I, what's that? You have dietary changes. You have physical, you have therapy, feeding therapy, rigidities. You're dealing with meltdown.
So they're swimming. It's okay to get them to breathe and go, let's talk about this. It'll get better. And you're going to settle into a schedule, you know?
So I think regardless of where they're at, It takes someone like you or I or even a neurodevelopmental physician to really sit down and have that deep dive into it. Psychologically, why aren't you on board? And kind of revert that a little bit. And for the fathers that finally get there, and I don't care if it's slow, fast, What I talk about in my book is about hope and positivity. I'm a positive ultimately. It's in my DNA. I cover University of Pittsburgh sports here. I'm known as the hype man. I'm always positive. Is setting the tone for the household. Think about what your child has to go through on a daily basis. We talked about dietary modifications.
Sometimes you're going to have meltdowns. You know, your wife's going to be worn out. You might not be getting a lot of sleep. Maybe you haven't been introduced to melatonin yet, you know. Setting the tone for the family is imperative.
So I talk about the Ted Lasso effect, what that show did. It was a game changer in for leadership, for parenting, because it showed what positivity is. And empathy can bring to an organization, to a household, to a school. I'm of the belief that every day, and I know it's not easy, you should be the beacon of light. Try to wake up with a positive demeanor. And I think it permeates through a house because your child and your spouse and everyone is already having to deal. With a lot of unusual circumstances that a neurotypical house might not have to.
So I'm very big on that. And I touch upon the Ted Lasso effect in my book as well.
Len Arcuri | 35:34
Yep. No, there's a lot to unpack with what you just shared and yes, hope and positivity.
You know, we're talking their mindset. And beliefs. And that's where there's an opportunity to shift. There's an opportunity to take on a different perspective, which again, is why community is key. Surround yourself, you know, with the right people, you know, particularly people who may be further on down the road. But yeah, so much of what you're talking about for me goes down to, it still comes back to the objective that a dad may have. And if your objective is normal, you want your child normal, or if your objective is, you know, just... It could be a number of things, but the key is actually seeing early on that your objective as a dad is to be connected, right? To be connected with your child, which is why checking out or just taking a backseat or being resistant doesn't help you become better connected to what your child needs. Because that's ultimately what this is all about. Your child has unique needs. As parents, we all want to do the best we can. And that's where I feel like it's a trap for a lot of dads where they can inadvertently just get stuck. And if they're in isolation... There's really not an opportunity for them to see things differently.
Harry Psaros | 36:51
You know, it might sound cheesy, but I'm telling you because, again, the machismo thing, it's broke through. So I'm, you know, a third degree black belt in Tung Soo Do. My shoulders aren't allowing me to get my master's belt. But I was a black belt. Excuse me. I was a higher belt in Aikido. I studied Muay Thai.
So I will talk to them. And, you know, I'll tell them you have a goal, right? And your goal is to improve your child. They'll throw out normality. Okay, let's throw that out as your goal. You have to do something to achieve that goal. Words are meaningless to me. Actions matter.
So what I tell them is when I was trying to achieve my first black belt, I could not have done that without my master Getty here in the area. So in a sense, you are the teacher, you're the soothsayer, you're the one that's going to lead them to that path. And if you're hands off, Nothing's happening.
And then if that's your goal, then nothing will happen. I try to make it that specific. And go, you are to be the, you know, you're the one that's going to be leading the path with your wife to get them to your goal. But actions matter. Right now, you're doing nothing. And I think it kind of opens them up. I've had these very bleak, very open discussions with them, you know what I mean? Just to kind of smack them in the face a little bit. But ultimately, you have a goal and you have to have an action behind the goal. Any business could tell you that any business leader.
So I think ultimately, when you have those discussions, you could break through that opaque psyche that they have, you know, and kind of go from there. But I do think, you know, my book, again, I talk about that. I think that's why, again, I put the I want to I want the boxing gloves because they're more recognized. And I did box all through college and I still love it. I still hit the heavy bag. But I wanted the warrior's mentality. I wanted, I bought, I remember when I first found out in a hyper adrenalized state. And that's where I want the dads to be.
So that's why I wrote this. I wanted that level of Sisu level intensity to go, I'm going to help this kid. I want you to lead the way, not even just work with your wife. My wife will tell you I drove her crazy. I still look up every modality known to man because I'm unrelenting in trying to help him. And just in case anyone's listening to this, I'm not looking for normal. I love my son. I just want to help him as much as I can, you know? And has college been easy? Absolutely not. Hasn't been easy socially, hasn't been easy in the classroom. But I see him fighting on a daily basis. He's never given up because I keep pushing him.
So if I can assist him in one way or shape or form, I'm looking into every modality that'll do that.
Len Arcuri | 39:35
Yeah, I love what you're saying, though, with the metaphors and especially intensity. Dads absolutely can show up with intensity, but there's... As long as it's, positive, right? Because like, if you have intensity about autism has to go, I want my child to be normal. Again, that's going to just set you up that that's unhelpful intensity, right? If that's your goal.
So if you can bring your best self to doing, taking meaningful actions, Towards the right outcome that you're going for, which again is using things like curiosity, which again, I didn't have early on and going for something more like connection with your child as opposed to making them normal. You know, there's a lot of mistakes you can make out the gate with your mindset and with what you're going after. And I think a lot of what you've shared, and I know a lot of what's in your book and a lot of what we've talked about on this podcast is those. Maybe slight but very powerful perspective shifts that allow you to step into a very different version of yourself.
Harry Psaros | 40:41
Correct. And I want to, you know, people that haven't read the book, I want them to understand something. My son was diagnosed with autism. My son has no hearing in his right ear.
So he loses what's called the right ear advantage. You actually hear faster with your right ear than your left ear.
So there's another technical, technically social impairment. He has Tourette's syndrome. And he has primary ciliary dyskinesia. Which means the silly in his lungs move very slowly.
So he has to be on a breathing machine. If I had to choose one thing, God came down and said, what are you going to remove? It wouldn't be autism. I would give him his hearing back.
You know, I love Gus the way he is. And what I talk about, there's he brings so much great traits to the world. He makes us so happy, lightens the house up. And I talk about that in the book.
So I want to make sure that any father listening to this understands I'm not looking for normality. I'm looking for improvement. There's a big difference. That's all I'm looking for to help him out. And I would encourage every dad listening to this. We talked about working in unison with your wife. Do that. But I want you to lead the way. You can see the veins in my neck. I'm an intense guy. Get that intensity going. Look into different modalities. I want you to be the one driving your crazies. And leading the path. I think that's imperative.
Len Arcuri | 41:54
Yeah. Yeah. No, there is no specific outcome. It's all about just helping our kids become the best versions of themselves as they can for them to thrive in their own unique way. And again, that alone is such a powerful perspective to have, because, again, if you have a specific outcome and you as the parent or the dad are not going to be happy until X, Y or Z happens again, talk about really setting yourself up for failure. That doesn't help. But there is a much more powerful way to show up with intensity.
So I love what you're saying, dads. There is a huge opportunity in your own unique way to leverage your superpowers. And before you can even allow those gifts to shine that you have, Don't do things that are making things worse, which again, I know I did a lot early on and had shift.
So you have to be open to looking at things differently and being, having the humility to shift your approach, to shift your belief and to have an openness that Harry mentioned early on. That is key. Be open, be powerful, you know, Listen, share what you believe is going to help your child with your spouse. But taking a backseat or just kind of checking out and especially undermining to try to kind of win the battle perhaps with your spouse doesn't help anybody.
Harry Psaros | 43:12
And if you want just a complete paradigm shift in thinking, go from machismo to understanding that I've been gifted something. In other words, God has chosen you. And I want to make it sound, I'm not ultra religious. I got my cross here. I'm Greek Orthodox, but Let me emphasize, God chose you for a reason. He saw your inner strength. Dope.
So drop the ego and look at it with humility and honor, in a sense. So if you do that, it'll change everything and you can move forward in a positive fashion.
Len Arcuri | 43:44
I think that's a very fitting way to end this discussion. I think that's a super empowering, hopeful message. And again, this is all just to put out. What Harry and I have learned is helpful. What are some of the things that get in the way? You as a dad who's listening, you know, again, you can choose that role that you're going to play. And again, if you want to, you know, you don't put it this way. You don't have to take a backseat. You could play a powerful role again, using your unique superpowers in partnership with your spouse. What talk about an incredible gift that you're giving your child, right? All right.
Well, Harry, any final parting words or words of encouragement or that you'd like to share with our audience?
Harry Psaros | 44:28
First of all, thank you for having me on. I am not hiding anywhere. And when I say that my book is on Amazon, I am all over social media, whether it's Facebook, Instagram. If you need help, reach out. I already spoke to a multitude of fathers.
And then lastly, for the dads that are out there that are a Harry and a Len that have been through this, Help someone. Go out and find someone to help. This is a loving community. This is a giving community. Be part of it. I tell my sons every day. In the game of life, you either sit on the bench or you play in the game. And the people that play in the game make the biggest impact. I'm hoping every dad that hears this out there becomes an MVP.
Len Arcuri | 45:12
Yeah. Use your gifts for your family, for your child, and use them to pay it forward with others. I think that's a super powerful message.
So thank you so much, Harry. Where can people find you? Obviously, they can get your book on Amazon, but where can they find you if they want to reach out to you directly? Sure.
Harry Psaros | 45:28
You can go to harrypsaros.com. It's H-A-R-R-Y P-S-A-R-O-S.com. All of my information is there. Again, I'm on Facebook. I'm on Insta. I'm on Twitter. Find me, reach out. I'd love to have a discussion with.
Len Arcuri | 45:44
You. Fantastic. Harry, thanks so much for joining me today. I think it's a great topic and I really know so many people are going to benefit from this.
So thank you Your child wants you to transform now.
Harry Psaros | 45:53
So much. Thank you for having me. I really appreciate it.
Len Arcuri | 46:01
And the fastest way to do that is with personalized support. To learn more, go to allinparentcoaching.com/intensive.
