Episode 203 — PLAY Is The Way
Guest: Becky Damgaard • Date: May 9, 2024
Episode Overview
This week is all about the transformative power of JOYFUL interactions with children on the autism spectrum. Our guest is Becky Damgaard, a senior Son-Rise Program teacher at the Autism Treatment Center of America. If you’re looking to deepen your connection with your child and understand how to be their greatest resource, this episode is a treasure trove of wisdom.
About Becky Damgaard
Becky Damgaard is a Senior Son-Rise Program Teacher at the Autism Treatment Center of America. Her passion for supporting children with special needs began in an elementary school classroom, where she witnessed the misunderstood challenges faced by children on the autism spectrum. Recognizing the need for a child-centered approach, she joined the Autism Treatment Center of America®, relocating from the UK to pursue her calling. For the past two decades, Becky has dedicated herself to teaching The Son-Rise Program, working directly with over 700 individual children, and supporting thousands of families worldwide in individual and group settings. Her unwavering commitment and personalized approach have helped these children reach their true potential. Becky describes her work as her life's mission, and her efforts continue to inspire and bring hope to those she serves.
https://autismtreatmentcenter.org/
You’ll Discover
Why PLAY Is The Gateway (5:13)
The Backstory of The Autism Treatment Center of America (8:38)
What Is IAS And Why You Want To Lengthen It (11:05)
Ways To Forge A Deeper Connection With Your Child (18:48)
How To Be ENTERTAINING (24:12)
The Power Of The Three “E”s (31:27)
Small Yet Powerful Shifts A Parent Can Make (36:41)
A One-Of-A-Kind Weeklong Experience (39:41)
Referenced in This Episode
Full Transcript
Becky Damgaard | 00:00
It's the gateway to all of those other things that you actually want. I think that it forces you into the present moment. If you prioritize this, if you see this as, wow, I'm just going to play. And yes, I want to teach them that's not going to go anywhere.
Like I'm not going to give up on my goals and my dreams for my child. But if I could really dive in with no agenda other than to play, Actually, that's when we see kids being more spontaneous. They start coming out with more language because they're relaxed. And they're not put on the spot and not pressured.
So by us not pressuring ourselves and just letting loose and having fun, we will be able to get all of those things that we want. But we have to make it a priority and believe in the value of it.
Cass Arcuri | 00:45
Want to truly be the best parent you can be and help your child thrive after their autism diagnosis? This podcast is for all in parents like you who know more is possible for your child.
Len Arcuri | 00:56
With each episode, we reveal a secret that empowers you to be the parent your child needs now, saving you time, energy, and money, and helping you focus on what truly matters most, your child.
Cass Arcuri | 01:07
I'm Cass. And I'm Len. Welcome to Autism Parenting Secrets.
Len Arcuri | 01:23
Hello and welcome to Autism Parenting Secrets. It's Len, and today we're going to be talking about a topic that we haven't covered at all, and I'm super excited to dive into this.
So with me today is Becky Damgaard. She is a senior Sunrise program teacher at the Autism Treatment Center of America. And her passion for supporting children with special needs began in an elementary school classroom where she witnessed the misunderstood challenges faced by children on the autism spectrum. Recognizing the need for a child-centered approach, she joined the Autism Treatment Center of America relocating from the UK to pursue her calling. For the past two decades, Becky has dedicated herself to teaching the Sunrise program. Working directly with over 700 individual children and supporting thousands of families worldwide. In individual and group settings. Her unwavering commitment and personalized approach have helped these children reach their true potential. And she describes her work as her life's mission and her efforts continue to inspire and bring hope to those she serves.
So Becky is here as a light, as someone with deep experience. And the topic might be a surprising one because the secret this week is... Play. Is the way. Welcome, Becky.
Becky Damgaard | 02:50
Thank you. I'm so excited to be here. And indeed, play is something that has filled my life for the past 25 years. And, you know, it's been just such an immense joy. And honor To work with and play with so many different children, hundreds and hundreds of children of all kinds of different ages, different diagnoses all over the autism spectrum and other developmental challenges, different personalities, different interests, different learning styles. And play is just such an overlooked thing. Aspect of helping kids and even though we know you know there are so many studies and tons of research out there that really elaborate on the benefits of play like it can help with communication skills it can help with cognitive skills it can help with empathy and compassion social skills are so important and if you go somewhere like on the continent of Europe they actually do mainly play until the children are about seven years old. And at that point, when the kids are about seven, they're kind of naturally gravitating towards academics. But everything that they learn up until that stage is done through play. And, you know, working with all of these kids and even adults, because we can be playful too as adults. We love to play, right? And be playful and have fun. That's something that enriches our life.
So even working with adults, you can incorporate play. I have seen so many children become toilet trained through play. Right, through having fun and being playful. Children learn to brush their teeth, you know, and get dressed through play. People who have learned to be in social situations and have conversation skills, all done through play, role play with their favorite characters.
And then, you know, we have to really bear in mind to understand the biggest challenge that's happening with autism, even though there are definitely different challenges. One of the biggest things that our children have a challenge with is relating and connecting to people.
So with our kids in particular, we really want to hone into that challenge. And I think that often... Because our kids have so many other skills and they're brilliant at so many things, like our kids thrive on routine, right, and schedules. And some of them really love numbers and letters and shapes and colors. And some of them are excellent at understanding combustion engines, right, or all the models of different toilets, or they can recite a whole movie. And it's easy for parents to...
Sort of hone into those strengths that they have and really teach more of those things. So for a child who might love counting and numbers, we might really introduce them to more numbers, right? And teach them algebra. For a child that has a really good memory, we might teach them all the complex shapes and colors, right? And how to speak in different languages. But that doesn't make them a friend. It doesn't help them to be able to have relationships in their life and play with can address all of those things.
So we want to really start with understanding the core challenge of autism, social relationships sensory issues. But today we're going to be talking about play, how play is the way. And it really is like a gateway because anything that you want to teach your child, Whether it's becoming toilet trained, whether it's brushing their hair or keeping themselves clean, or understanding social cues from other people, body language, understanding humor.
You know, colloquialisms, all of those things that you want to help your child with. You want to start with their ability to be able to engage and relate to someone for a period of time long enough for them to actually take you in so that you can learn those skills.
So if we take something like language, for example, it's very difficult to learn how to enunciate a word if my interactive attention span to a person is 30 seconds. We need a little bit of extra time with that child focused on us so we can actually show them how our mouth works, so that we can show them the meaning of language. We can respond to the sounds that they're making or the language they're already using with quick actions and show them the power of language. Or, you know, something like toilet training. That's every parent's want, right, is for their child to be toilet trained. And that's often something that happens late. With kids on the spectrum. But just the ability to really be able to see us so we can say, hey, I have a feeling And I'm noticing that I need to go to the bathroom. Now I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to show you how this whole thing works. I'm going to help you with all of the explanation and steps that it takes to go to the toilet.
Like you've got to put your pants down. You've got to feel the feeling. You've got to sit on the toilet and wait, right? Now you've got to wait for that thing to come. Now it's going to come out. Then you've got to wipe. Then you've got to pull your pants up. Then you've got to wash your hands, right? That's a whole protocol right there. And often our kids on the autism spectrum are only attending to people for very small amounts of time.
So play is something that we want to prioritize and we want to really focus on. And the thing is that in my experience, you know, and I'll go a little bit back because I want to kind of share with you the history of what I do.
So I work in the Sunrise Program at the Autism Treatment Center of America. And that was actually started by parents. Barry Neal Kaufman and Samaria Kaufman back in the 70s. And they had a son who was severely autistic at the time. He was tested with an IQ of below 30. He didn't have any language. He was completely mute. And he would spend all of his hours every single day engaging in repetitious activities, stimming behaviors. And they were kind of told that there's really no hope. For him to learn any meaningful skills. And that it was a terrible, tragic situation. They were actually advised to put him in an institution focus on their neurotypical children and they went completely against the grain. They kind of ignored what the professionals were telling them at the time and they decided to create their very own home-based program where they started to work with Ron in a very non-distracting space, actually the bathroom in their house, and they decided to use fun and play and going into his world and trying to understand what he loved and what he was interested in as a way to connect with him and a way to relate to him. And it was very magical because they worked with him in this very playful, fun manner for about three years. And he was grew and changed and completely emerged from his autism you've actually had him on the show his name is ron kaufman and you know he now has a near genius iq and he teaches you know parents and helps them with their own autistic children and it's quite a miracle when you think about that but it came from two parents and i'm thinking that you mostly your audience is parents right And the amazing thing about play and incorporating that into your life and your time with your child is that it's completely free. You don't need to see an expert to be able to play with your child. You don't need to buy anything to play with your child. Everything that you need to play and engage with your child comes from you, through you, and is already inside of you.
So just bear that in mind. If you want to get started really impacting your child and their ability to connect with you can start right away with no props, no skills, no money, no cost to you. And that's what I've been doing for the past 25 years is playing, you know, and everything that we want to help our children with starts with their ability to engage and connect with you. What we want to really consider with our kids is how do we strengthen their interactive attention span? And interactive attention span is Let's be really clear here, because that is totally different than attention span. Our kids have really strong and long attention spans, sometimes longer than us, for the things that they really love. Right.
So some kids will actually they'll be reading a book or even flipping through the pages of a book and they are sitting there quietly. And you think that they've got an attention span to that book. But they're not looking at a person, they're not responding to a person, they're not including you in any way. And sometimes if you walk out of the room, it's like they wouldn't even seem to notice that you were gone. They'd still be playing by themselves, right? And we know that they can go on an iPad for hours and hours, right? And that's something that they're doing by themselves and to themselves.
So we're not trying to lengthen those activities. What we're trying to lengthen is the interactive quality of it.
So the amount of time that they can stay engaged with another person in a back and forth manner. Right.
So let's say I'm blowing bubbles for my child and they're popping the bubbles. That would be an interactive attention span. Let's say I am reading to my child and they're sitting on my lap. And they're turning the pages with me. That's an interactive attention span. Let's say I'm giving my child a piggyback and they're laughing and giggling. And maybe I stand in front of the mirror and they look in my eyes, right?
So that's with another person, not an object. And actually on average, if you take a neurotypical child, Their interactive attention span is going to be about 3 to 5 minutes per year. Of the age of that child.
So if it was a four year old, their average interactive attention span would be about 12 to 20 minutes with another person. If it was a 10 year old, it would be, you know, 30 minutes to 50 minutes.
So that's definitely not the case for many of our kids. And parents report to us that sometimes their child can't even attend to a person for more than a few seconds, right?
So we want to really take when our children do look and they do smile and they do respond and they do say things to us or share something with us or give us a toy, right? Or jump on our back for a piggyback ride, when they give us that, what we call a green light in the Sunrise program, that's the beginning. Of the interactive attention span. And I can definitely go over some wonderful ways to lengthen that amount of time, but the key there is to lengthen. That amount of time. And often when our kids give us a green light signal, right, that's kind of, they're opening the door to connection with us. They're showing us, not because we're trying to get them to, but they're spontaneously coming to us. They're actually saying, hey, I'm opening the door here. To kind of reach out to you from my world. And often what we find parents do, and I'm totally guilty of this, I'm a mom too, is we immediately ask them to do something. Right.
So we immediately request. We might say, what's your name or what are you doing or hey, what do you want to play or tell me what you did at school today or come over here and show me that toy. Or give me one of those things, right? And that's so common because I think parents don't know how. To really lengthen the interactive attention span. They know they want to teach their kids and they know that they want to, you know, help them grow and help them expand their interests, but they don't. Understand yet that there are different ways to do that than asking something from them. And so when our children have limited interactive attention spans, It can sometimes be because they have sensory issues and things, you know, internal stuff that's going on with their bodies and they're trying to manage all of that and regulate. But it can sometimes be the way we respond and react when they do. Give us a green light signal by immediately challenging them or requesting something from them.
So we want to kind of see the way to engage and the way to grow that interactive attention span. Is to do something instead. To add something, to act something out, to be fun, to be playful, so that I'm not actually asking my child to do anything directly. I'm just giving them something. And that will be appealing and inviting and attractive for them because they don't have to work super hard to continue that interaction with me. It's like they get a freebie and they get a free sample of something fun and playful that I can do to entertain them. And yeah, With that being said, that's when the children stay in those green light moments because they realize I don't, this is kind of easy, this social interaction piece. It's not difficult and challenging for me. Don't actually have to work.
Look, I'm getting all this free entertainment. And we love free entertainment as people, you know. If we go to somewhere like New York City or in London, Covent Garden, you see the street performers.
You see everyone stopping and standing around because they want a free show, right? But as soon as the busker comes around with the money, you know, the money bucket, everyone walks away because they want the free show. But it does stop people and it helps us engage. And I remember as a child being super shy. I was very introverted and shy. But there was this one member of my family, this aunt that I had, and she had bright red hair. And she had this Australian accent and she was really funny. And she had this enormous laugh. And she was larger than life. And she was the one person that would bring me out of my shell. And I was just drawn to her. She was just so fun and entertaining. And I think just we want to saturate our kids with that. We want to give them an example of what it is to be in a human connection with other people, that it's fun, that it's playful, that it's easy. And it's not something that immediately we're going to ask them. Kind of to pay when they're already paying?
Like it's already a challenge for them to look, to smile, to reach out from their world, right? So we want to be there giving them freebies and giving them a sample of how amazing human interaction can be and play is the way. To really help them with.
Len Arcuri | 17:44
That. I think that's worth focusing on for a second is that there is a price that your child's paying, you know, sometimes like from their standpoint, it's not easy. It's anything but easy. Because we're all well-intentioned parents, we want to ask them questions. We want to ask them to do things. We want to encourage them.
So it was totally lost on me. How I was being received by my son. Where really for him, there was no upside to engaging with me because there was a big cost to him in terms of what he'd have to respond to. And it just, I can only by having the awareness that you shared that I realized that. Hey, there's a better way. For me to help naturally encourage him to want to engage with me. And it wasn't just complying with my agenda at the time.
Becky Damgaard | 18:33
Exactly. And that's a huge component of the Sunrise program really is helping our kids to want to do the things that we want to help them with instead of just doing them. Because we're asking.
So if my child looks or engages with me and immediately I challenge them and ask for something back, from them, then I think one of two things is going to happen. Either they're going to walk away from that experience thinking that wasn't easy, Right. And there was really no benefit to me. Or they're going to do something kind of robotic and compliant. Right. And it can feed the compliance. Behavioral challenges that we see, you know, when our kids are very like, they don't seem to be connected, but they're talking and they're telling us things and they're answering these questions, right? Or they're pointing to objects that we're asking them to do or they're telling us what's on the flashcard. And that can kind of feed the robotic behaviors. And what we want is the spontaneous response. Joy? That people can create together when they're in that back and forth connection.
So either way, you know, whether it's because they're coming away from that experience thinking that was difficult and, you know, hard for me to do or I become robotic. You're not going to get the thing that you really want. Which is you want an actual relationship, a deep connection with your child. And that's what we see, you know, through the 25 years of really helping thousands of parents is an ongoing process.
You know, question or issue that people have, parents have is, I just want my child to be able to tell them, I love you. You know, or to come home from school and tell them about their day or to go on vacation together and share and laugh and have dinner and enjoy or, you know, even have friends and have sleepovers. And when we focus on tasks and we focus on the other skills, and that's not to say other skills aren't important. Things like academics and gross motor skills and, you know, even knowing their colors and their numbers and their letters, that's very important, but it's not. As in Putin. As what most parents want, which is that relationship. They want that memory and that experience that they have. And when I had my daughter, it took me many years to conceive a child because of fertility issues. But I wasn't thinking about how she would do in school. I was thinking about wow, we're going to be one day walking along the beach.
You know, my husband's going to have her on his shoulders and we're going to be smiling and having the best life. You know, I was thinking about her walking down the aisle and getting married and making me a grandmother someday, you know.
So the human, the richness of human connection is actually important. Not only going to enrich both of your lives, but it's going to lead to a stronger relationship. A longer interactive attention span. And that will help you then teach all of the other things that you want. But it's not at the expense. Of the play and the fun together. There is a timing aspect here that's very important to consider because we don't, if our children are stimming, That means that they're taking care of themselves in that moment.
Right? So if my child's lining up objects over and over again, And they're not, you know, paying attention to me or connecting with me or they're, you know, waving a string. Over and over again, or they're running back and forth. Or they're spinning in circles, or they're talking about toilets. Whatever that stem, that repetitious activity is that they're doing, the timing to try and play during those moments is not quite going to be, you know, cohesive with what your child's wanting. They're actually needing to regulate and calm and soothe themselves during that time.
So that's more when their brain is kind of on overload and they're trying to regulate But if we do what they're doing with them, And that's a summarized program principle as we call it joining. So that would be, you know, if my child was lining up objects, I would get my own objects. And I would line up my objects as a way to kind of build a bridge to my child. Or if my child was, you know, throwing a ribbon back and forth, I would get my own ribbon and do that with them. Or if my child was... Flipping through a book. I would get my own book and I would do it alongside them. You can even be playful When you do that, You know, if I was lining up my own objects, I'd be thinking about like, what is it like through my child's eyes? What do these objects look like? What do the characters sound like in my head?
You know, what could they be acting out as they line up these figurines? And I would make it fun myself.
So that's a way that you can do it when your child is actually not. Reciprocating the connection with you and your child is going to know that and going to pick up on the feeling that you have when you're genuinely and authentically diving into their world.
So that's a way that you can do it when they're more in a stimming behavior or not actually spontaneously coming to you and seeking out connection. But there's another body language that they do, which is what we call green lights. And that's when they're going to be looking, smiling, responding. Saying something to you or initiating some kind of game and interaction. And that's the time when we're going to make something happen.
So we can do that in several ways. We have an amazing technique called, it's just entertaining. That's all it is. It's nothing. It's not rocket science. But entertaining means putting on a show. And doing something fun. That is free and nothing is required from your child except to stay in that green light. They don't have to think about anything, they don't have to say anything, they don't have to hand me a toy or take a turn or be flexible. All we're doing is commanding that green light to stay green.
So entertaining is a wonderful technique that you can use, which basically means you do something. So, you know, if you're lining up figurines with them. And they look in your eyes, you can make one of the figurines start hiccuping.
You know, or like fly it to the moon or like pick it up and put it on your head and fall over and make it fall off your head, you know, so you're just a very small action. And it doesn't actually matter what you do. It just matters that you do something.
So be easy with yourself, but be playful and find that spirit inside of you that you had. When you were little. And we all have it because I watch adults at Halloween, right? The one day of the year when all the adults are playful, they're dressing up in costumes and going out trick-or-treating, right?
So we know that adults can do it, but why do it one day? Why not do it every day?
Len Arcuri | 25:38
Adults can do it, but it's something that I think many parents have lost connection with, right? Because we're adults and play isn't a bit, you know, we don't schedule play for ourselves at a given day. And so I think it's not something that at least came naturally to me. Which is why I know as part of And we've talked at length in prior episodes about how phenomenally impactful the Sunrise program was for us and our sons. And that's where we learned that. How to actually play because even though it's obvious, it sounds obvious. I know I didn't have good skills about how to do that. In a way, that was easy for my son. And even just giving myself the permission to play, was a little bit hard because I think I, like a lot of people had this work ethic in my head where, no, you work first and then if there's time, there's play. And I think now the key insight is that for parents, play isn't the dessert after the meal. It's like It's a huge gateway, as you mentioned. Toward all those things that you do want to eventually teach your.
Becky Damgaard | 26:44
Child. Absolutely. And I think it just takes that priority mindset, right?
So just knowing and understanding how vital it is and how important it is. And how it's the gateway to all of those other things that you actually want. I think that It forces you into the present moment. If you prioritize this, if you see this as, wow, I'm just going to play. And yes, I want to teach them that's not going to go anywhere.
Like I'm not going to give up on my goals and my dreams for my child. But if I could really dive in with no agenda other than to play, actually, that's when we see kids being more spontaneous. They start coming out with more language because they're relaxed. And they're not put on the spot and not pressured.
So by us not pressuring ourselves and just letting loose and having fun... We will be able to get all of those things that we want, but we have to make it a priority and believe in the value of it. Right. Which is what hopefully I'm here to help you guys really see. And the research and studies show the benefits of it. But I think as we grow up, we get fed, you know, that narrative of that you need to teach and you need to grow up and get real. And, you know, I see like a lot of toddlers, right? When toddlers get to a certain age, maybe even past toddler, but more three or four, they start like saying poo bum. And they do this like poo talk. I don't know if you've experienced that, but it's silly. Right. And I think they do it and it's such a button. For parents and parents are like, these serious faces around it. Don't talk about that. You don't say things like that. But I think those kids are trying to get a rise out of people. They're trying to have fun. They're trying to make a joke and be playful when they do that. But we tell them, don't do that here. Grow up, you know, and we discourage silliness. And playfulness. And I think with our kids on the autism spectrum, you know, because they have that challenge with really maintaining relationships and staying in the green light, We'll cross that bridge later.
You know, of how to be socially appropriate. But let's at least make the, you know, play accessible and people accessible and have them coming away from that experience with a person, knowing that was easy. Fun, enjoyable, And I would say if you can't think of something that your child loves to entertain them, do something you love.
You know, because you're going to feel more comfortable if you can hone into something that you actually enjoy. And I think that we all have things that we love.
Like I love music. And singing.
So that's an instant pathway to doing something that does require your energy and your excitement and your enthusiasm. But I don't have to really, you know, think about what the other child's going to think about that or if they're going to like that.
Like, I'm not validating myself on that. I purely love singing. And music.
So I would pick up my guitar and start singing with the kids, you know, and Fair enough. If they walk away from it, then I'll find something else to do. But I encourage parents to do something they enjoy. And I think if you go back to the things that you loved as a child, that's a way to hone into it. And there will often be something that you liked, whether it was imagination play, whether it was rough housing, whether it was certain characters or books. Those can all be playful, right?
So yes, you can read a book in a very dry way. Like you can say, what can have happened, Mrs. Twits said, staring at her old walking stick. Or... You can put on a hat. And become a witch. Swindos, Mr. Twit said. When they were building it. It's every Tom, Dick and Harry to see what you're doing. That immediately. I'm fun. I'm engaging. People want to look at that. Right.
So I could take an everyday activity like reading and add a little prop. Right? I could add a pair of glasses. And I could add a minion and I could just change my voice. What are you eating over there? Are you eating a banana?
Well, actually. Take that back because I'm not going to ask any questions. But I'm going to ask the dog, what are you eating over there? You're eating a banana? Bye.
And we probably use about two of them. I wrote it like this. Drowning, or maybe a little smirk every now and then. But our kids spend their time and their days in their own world a lot of the time. They're, you know, they're really interested in objects. They're gravitating towards things and not people, right?
So we have to be a bit larger than life to actually engage them. So try using the 33 Muscles 34 muscles that you have in your face. See if you can scrunch your face up small and make it big and see if you can use your voice.
You know, You probably watch or listen to the Stephen Bartlett, Diover CEO podcast. I love it. I've been listening to it a lot. But he was saying that there's certain people on that show that don't even make it past the interview because their voice is not compelling. And it just stays in one monotone and it kind of sends people to sleep, right?
So even our voices, we can go home.
Len Arcuri | 32:44
We could go low, or we could be like Goofy.
Becky Damgaard | 32:47
Or we can do an accent. You know, me and my friends will leave messages on each other's phones in Irish accents, you know, or Southern accents just for fun, to be playful. Or we can sing. And we can do this with teens. As well. My daughter is 12. She's going on 15. But, you know, I'll be silly and I'll just break out a silly walk or something with her. And she gives me a look, you know, it's a teenage look. And she's got this new expression where she says, "Okay." When I do it, she says, " okay." But there's a smirk on her face, and what happens is we build a connection. And her name's Evie. And there's an Adele song called Go Easy on Me. And one day I broke out with the version that says Evie.
So I said, go Evie. Me bad It was a moment where she was really serious and I was kind of feeling disconnected from her because I'd asked her to clean our room. 5,000 times and she was not doing it. And just doing that, stopping everything, stopping the demand, backing off and doing something really silly and playful, it got us connected again.
Len Arcuri | 34:22
Everything that you just demonstrated. Is something that came incredibly difficult to me because I am that monotone person. I am the... Non-facial expressions.
So that's, again, that's what I had the opportunity to learn And while I'll never be able to be entertaining like you were, I was able to shift enough that for me, it came across very differently for my son in a positive way. So that's where. Again, this isn't obvious, I think, to a lot of people. It is simple. It's all within your ability to do something about. And it really, the thing that keeps popping in my mind is the constant reminder I give to myself is, even with my son now who's 17, is My objective is I keep going back to an old objective. And it keeps saying yes to a new objective, which is, My new objective, as you've commented on several times, it's all about connection. I want to be connected with my sons. And, If I'm operating with that as my objective, everything that you've shared opens up as opportunities for me. But as long as my objective is compliance, which was my old objective. And it still pops up now where that's like that initially I'm still going for that. I have to constantly remind myself in any moment, Connection is much more important than compliance. And that, you know, if I want to be interesting to my son. Then, yes, I need to mix things up, make it engaging, interesting. And again, I may not be using the theatrics you can go to, you know, at the drop of a hat. But I can shift my tone. I can shift my body language. And again, I can just shift into a greater perspective relaxed place to then just be with him. And if that takes a form of more playful activity, You know, wonderful.
That's why play isn't like a nice to have. It really is at any time, no matter how old your child is or how old an adult is. A phenomenal way of just establishing more connection with another human being.
Becky Damgaard | 36:37
Yes. And the thing is, just like, you know, at the Sunrise Program, we believe that the children are capable of really, truly anything, you know, that they have limitless potential. We're not going to put limits on them. We don't put limits on the parents, you know, so I've definitely worked with people who have said, this is not me. I don't do this. And over time, they have learned to adapt small things, even just a facial expression or a new voice, you know, or, you know, oftentimes dads have the physical kind of connection with their kids, right? They do the roughhousing, the wrestling, the piggyback rides and things, even just thinking about diving into that. With more, pleasantness. And just saying, look, I'm going to give my child piggybacks.
And then thinking of one new thing that you can add to that. Like if I'm giving my child a piggyback ride, then I'm going to do it as a pig. I'm gonna just be a pig and give him a piggyback ride, right? Or I'm gonna be a horse and do a little neigh. Or if I'm playing with action figures with my child, I might just make one do something slapstick.
Like on cartoons, one sneezes, right? Or one like falls over or one disappears. And it's just small steps. And I think, you know, if I could come from a really introverted, shy person to being able to present in front of hundreds of people and do these slapstick things, and you can have a podcast where you're essentially engaging people. Then there is hope for anyone to be able to do it. And I don't think it has to look like really big and loud. It could be completely silent. You And one of my favorite people to really watch on TV is David Attenborough. And he does the wildlife documentaries. And he's like, in the middle of the Serengeti Jam. Over and out. She's coming close. I didn't really even expend any energy, but there was something about the slow and the quiet that drew me in.
So it doesn't have to be big, loud, crazy, wild farce. It can just be a pause. Or look Or a little giggle, you know, or a little funny walk. And so I would encourage you to start simple. And, you know, and start with what your child loves.
So if your child loves physical play, do the physical play and add a new thing. You know, if your child loves bubbles, blow those bubbles, but blow them up high, blow them down low, kick them, you know, catch them in a bucket. And use the things around you. And this is something that we really teach parents to do and transform themselves over a five day Sunrise program startup. And so we have parents just like you were talking about who come in and they're very mousy and quiet and they don't want to share, you know, on day one. And we lead them through these activities, guided exercises together where they learn how to use their face more and they learn how to use their voice and their body language and their arms. And, you know, if you're an exercise fan, you know that when you move more, and you actually move your body, it can boost endorphins and it can lower stress levels and it can combat depression even.
So just adding like a bit more energy and pep into your step can actually help you feel better in your mood. And we see this, the parents, like they start to come alive. And by day five, they're cheering for each other and they're acting things out and they're laughing and they're just relaxed, you know? And I think it's because they've stopped focusing on the skills and all the things that they have to teach and they've seen the beauty and the value. From just connection and fun and how much they can learn and grow It is the same for kids.
So yeah, if you want to learn more, you can come to our Summary Programme Startup because we're having an in-person session Startup actually for the first time in four years is a very special opportunity in Great Barrington in the beautiful Berkshire Hills. And it's a five day program. You can come and teach, well, help your child and learn all the skills to connect with them, help them with verbal communication, flexibility, learn how to set up a space in your house where you can actually spend time with your child doing this play. And helping them with all kinds of other skills too and being in the company of other parents and caregivers who really know what you're going through and you can kind of connect together and brainstorm together and it's really wonderful experience. And you're kind of coming and diving into this experience as a group with these other parents learning and growing together. But it's all in service to helping your child.
So that's always available if you want to learn more.
Len Arcuri | 41:50
We'll include a link in the show notes I know that's going to the film I'm personally excited that you're in the film because Zoom, and I know you serve many parents through Zoom, as do we, but there's nothing like the magic of getting a group together and doing this in person. So I'm excited that you have the live trainings available again. And again, yes, we did so many things early on that really helped us, but there was nothing more transformational for Cass and I to be able to support Rye in a powerful way than the time we spent at the startup and up with the other trainings you have up at the Sunrise Program and the Option Institute.
So, you know, just again, thank you. I can't thank you and your organization, BitBears and Samaria for It truly was such a gift to have those loving faces and the beautiful souls supporting us on our journey.
So thank you for sharing this very important topic and very undercovered. Play truly is the way. And it's the way to get whatever it is that to want for your child You can use play to help you get there. And again, I didn't know how to do this. And your organization is dedicated to helping parents, you know, really take on this superpower, which is theirs for the taking.
Becky Damgaard | 43:18
Yeah. And, you know, I know it's a busy world. And when I first started working with families, you know, it was quite common for parents to be at least one parent to be at home, like a stay at home mom. But now it's so common. Both parents are working all hours.
You know, we have single parents. There's multiple children on the spectrum sometimes as well.
So I know it's not easy to prioritize play, but I do think that we do prioritize other things, right? I know that there's so many parents who take their kids to soccer games, right? Or sports or do extracurricular activities. And at the end of the day, we, I would just suggest you start with 15 minutes. That's it. 15 minutes a day of just one-on-one time with your child. Go to a space in the home where it's non-distracting and dive into their world. And like I said, if they're in a red light, you know, they're more inside of themselves doing a sim, you can still be playful and join them. In doing that and jump in, but do that with no agenda.
And then if they have that green light, you know, signal that they give you, you're going to entertain and use your energy, excitement, enthusiasm, stay simple. But just that 15 minutes of time, you know, can go such a long way. And if you'll see the benefits of it, and if it feels really good to you can always do half an hour the next day, you know, and you can up your time. But this really is about you as a parent, Taking charge, you know, and being your child's best resource. And you have the biggest, strongest connection with them. You want the most for them.
So this is really, it's not about the therapist and teacher coming in and being the expert. It's about you understanding and knowing your child more than anyone. And so therefore you being the teacher and the play coach and the therapist for them essentially. But more than that, a friend. Because our kids need people who are on their side. And you're the perfect person for this.
So start small. And you can always expand.
Len Arcuri | 45:18
Well, that's a lovely and beautiful thought to end this conversation with. So thank you so much, Becky, for sharing your insights.
Becky Damgaard | 45:26
You're so welcome. It was my honor.
Cass Arcuri | 45:30
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